Over the years, Family Guy has given us some hilarious moments and memorable quotes. With 17 seasons under its belt, this pillar of adult animation has been consistently hilarious since its debut in 1999.
One character we feel doesn’t get enough love, however, is Chris Griffin. The family’s teenage son is a little gross, very crude, and all kinds of stupid, but at the end of the day, that’s what makes us love him. So, with that said, we want to highlight his most hilarious quotes.
Free People
From: “Cop And A Half Wit” (Season 15, Episode 15)
“There is a room, where you can go in and just get free people!”
While Peter helps Joe Swanson solve some crimes, Stewie joins the football team — a decision that eventually causes him to get a concussion. In an attempt to help, Chris decides to hit his little brother a little harder, thinking it will reverse the effects, but it clearly makes it worse. So, he and Brian finally take the baby to the doctor. While Brian is with Stewie in the hospital room, however, Chris walks in holding a screaming baby, so Brian asks what he’s doing. The teenaged Griffin responds with that classic line, meaning, he just took a baby, thinking it’s OK.
I Don’t Have To Listen To You
From: North By North Quahog (Season 4, Episode 1)
“I don’t have to listen to you, you’re a dog, you don’t have a soul!”
When Peter and Lois are away, Brian is left in charge of watching Chris, Meg, and Stewie, but what he thought would be an easy task turned out to be trickier than he thought. Being the family dog, the kids don’t show him any respect, and they certainly don’t care about any authority their parents gave him. So, when Meg and Chris start fighting and Brian tries to break it up, Chris snaps back with that hurtful comment.
No Consequences
From: Stewie, Chris, & Brian’s Excellent Adventure (Season 13, Episode 7)
“I’m dreaming? Yay, no consequences!” cuts off hand “It’s so lifelike!”
When Chris is having trouble studying for his history test, Brian and Stewie decide to take him back in time to experience the events for themselves. Yet, the baby of the family doesn’t want his older brother to know he’s hiding an era-jumping device in his closet. So, when they wake Chris up, he’s told he’s dreaming, but Chris takes it too far, thinking there are no repercussions for his actions. So, he immediately pulls out a knife and cuts his arm off. Despite all this, he still thinks he’s in a dream.
The Man Of The House
From: Turkey Guys (Season 13, Episode 5)
“We Irish, we have a deep sadness.”
On the eve of Thanksgiving, Brian and Peter drink a little too much and eat the whole turkey. So, come Thanksgiving day, they have to get a new one. Obviously, finding a good gobble the day of is a tough task, so Stewie convinces Chris that he has to be the man of the house, saying Peter will be out of the picture for this blunder. Chris takes that idea a little too far and starts drinking, but it turns out, he’s got a bit of a dark side.
Peace On Earth
From: “A Very Special Family Guy Freakin’ Christmas” (Season 3, Episode 16)
“I just want peace on Earth. That’s better than Meg, right? So, I should get more than her.”
It’s Christmas, and the Griffins have to get their presents in order, just like many other families across the world at that time of year. So, in an attempt to get a little extra, Chris tries to ask for something a little more selfless in the hopes he can get a better gift. Obviously, this takes away the sentiment of his original “wish,” making it pretty hollow, which could be considered a bit of a commentary on how people act around the holidays.
Brian’s Anus
From: “Brian the Bachelor” (Season 4, Episode 7)
“Well, we have to look at your anus all day.”
When Chris gets a pimple on his face, Brian wants him to get rid of it. Unfortunately, this isn’t a normal zit. This guy talks to Chris and influences him to get into trouble, so Brian wants to get rid of it. The dog tells Chris it’s time to pop the zit, but he refuses. Brian responds by saying he doesn’t want to look at it all day, and that’s when Chris retorts with this amazing line. He’s not wrong.
Sniffing Glue
From: “Lottery Fever” (Season 10, Episode 1)
“You don’t see poor people doing this!”
Peter Griffin blows his entire life’s savings on lottery tickets, and while that’s normally a bad idea, it worked out for this Quahog family. Unfortunately, with a sudden influx of money, the family doesn’t know how to handle themselves. Chris, specifically, has a butler bring glue to his room to put on a rag for his sniffing. After inhaling his latest brand, he shouts this weirdly hilarious line.
Math
From: “The Kiss Seen Around the World” (Season 3, Episode 8)
“When I stick this army guy up my nose it tickles my brain. Ha ha ha… ow! Oh, now I don’t know math.”
The Griffins took their family to the toy store, and Stewie can’t find something he likes. That was the case until he came across a big red tricycle. Once he expresses interest in the item, Peter decides they have to buy it. As soon as the family comes to this decision, Chris walks into frame with this line.
The Frisbee
From: “The King Is Dead” (Season 2, Episode 7)
Chris: “Dad, you should invent the frisbee.”
Brian: “They already invented that.”
Chris: “Then how come I never heard of it!”
Peter tells the family that the toy company who employs him is looking to make the next big thing — and they’re willing to give whoever does so a big bonus. That’s when this little interaction comes into play. Chris tells his dad to invent the frisbee, a tried and true toy that’s already been invented. Yet, despite suggesting its creation by name, he then says he’s never heard of it before. While the logic paradox can cause headaches, its stupidity is perfect.
Bulls Eye Some Womp Rats
From: “Blue Harvest” (Season 6, Episode 1)
“There’s two suns and no women, what do you want me to do?”
“Blue Harvest” may be the best work Family Guy has ever put together, and a lot of that is because it points out a lot of the absurdity we look over in the Star Wars universe. One thing that always rubbed people the wrong way was how Luke Skywalker admitted to killing womp rats to pass the time. Yet, when he brought it up, no one ever batted an eye. In this episode, however, someone calls him out on it and Luke, portrayed by Chris, finally gives an explanation.
